Three days ago I confirmed something that I'd suspected for the last couple of weeks - I'm pregnant.
It's so strange to type the words. Even when I told Mike that morning I danced around the issue, sort of describing the situation instead of just proclaiming those two words.
The issue is that we have been talking about this regularly for the past few months, especially with passing the half-way mark at school and leaping into my early 30s last year. Our plan was to start trying in the summer, which would allow me to finish the program, and give us time to save, and plan, and have a few last hurrahs. Well, New Year's Day was a fabulous day. We woke up from a terrific night out with friends, made a delicious breakfast to share with even more friends, and once the house was empty we had some awesome sex. Awesome. Seriously.
Something had nagged at me toward the end of that day, and in checking my fertility calculator that we've been using as pretty effective birth control for the last year-and-a-half, I found that I was right at the beginning of my "fertile period". Shit.
I've waited and waited the past two weeks, wondering if any unusual feelings were signs of pregnancy, trying not to drink, telling myself that getting my period is okay. Friday morning was the day before I should have started my period, and I hadn't slept at all the night before. My sister-in-law had been up all night with crying twin newborns, and my nerves were shot. Getting up around 7, I peed on the pregnancy test I'd brought with me (stashed conveniently with my tampons) and immediately got the two red lines.
Two red lines. !!!!!!!
Everyone in the house was asleep, so I washed the dishes, tidied the baby blankets, collected bottles, and paced around the house. I tried reading. I gave in and sat on the bed next to Mike, fully dressed, until he woke up. I said something along the lines of, "remember New Year's? And how we had really great sex? And didn't think to use a condom? Well, I just took a pregnancy test and it had two lines. Which mean that... most likely.... there's a new thing growing inside of me."
Why couldn't I just say the words? In short, I'm worried that this won't stick. My Mom and aunt had difficulties with conceiving and multiple miscarriages, and Mike's sister had some infertility issues, as well. What if I miscarry? What if I miscarry really late in the pregnancy? How do people handle the HUGE WEIGHT of growing a life inside of you that you can't absolutely protect?
On top of that, based on the date of conception, I'm due at the end of September, which is one month into my final term at school, when I'll be intensely working on my capstone group project. I don't know what I'm going to do! If I were due during the break I could see working this out while on maternity leave, but I can't see myself pulling this off. And it's expensive. And I'm afraid my classmates will not want to work in a group with me because of it.
We're going to have to really tighten our belts over the next several months in order to afford the hospital bills, the leave from work, and the baby supplies. I won't be able to take any vacation for the next year, which means cancelling our trip to Michigan for the grandparents' 60th anniversary celebration. I'm afraid of the changes in my body, and that I'll never be able to lose the weight gained. I'm worried that I'll have a terrible, painful delivery. I'm worried that we aren't ready. (Whoa. This is so much worry!)
Allllllll of that said, I've prayed about this a lot. By myself, and with Mike. In spite of all the worries laid out, I feel surprisingly calm and not anxious. I know that we can work the details out, and that if I miscarry at any point it will somehow be okay... in time. I can find a way to work things out with school, because I know that students in this program before me have pulled it off. I've looked at a few blogs and photos of friends who are pregnant or have new infants and keep reminding myself that This Is Good. I remember that I have years of experience with newborns and young children, and am confident that Mike and I will be excellent parents, and that we really will have so much fun. I know that Mike is my favorite person, my supportive partner, and life-long companion. We will figure this out together, and will have the support of family, friends, and church members. It's going to be okay.