Friday, June 29, 2012

Small Victories

A few months ago I interviewed for an amazing job that seemed out of reach.  Friends were encouraging, though, and their gentle nudges were just enough to get me to pursue the position.  When the interview came, I felt REAL bad.  There had been a stomach bug going around my office, and I blamed my bad feelings on that.  My nerves were nearly unbearable, and as I sat in the small meeting room with six people carefully observing my responses to their list of questions, I thought I was going to lose it.  I felt flushed, light headed. panicky, and extremely nauseous - I even interrupted the interview to tell them that I might have to run into the hall to barf, but hoped that it wouldn't cause them to think less of me.

While at first I thought it WAS a bug, I started having the same experience in other settings.  Both of the following interviews were the same horrific event, but somehow I got the job (whoop!).  Then, I found myself having these "episodes" with growing regularity - on the bus, in meetings, at church, out at dinner with friends.

It was horrible.

I was scared and angry with myself for being so... wrong.  All I wanted to do was stay home or go out with Mike. The two-day board meeting with over 100 people for work was torture, and I began to dread all of the meetings - large and small - that were happening on a regular basis.  I stopped taking the bus and walked to work, instead.  I stayed home from church, and avoided gatherings.  When I thought about the coming months and years I envisioned friendlessness, being a drag on my husband, and having children [someday] that would either a) be neurotic like me, or b) significantly resent my issues.

Finally, I made an appointment with my old therapist.  We talked through some things, and she gave me exercises to do.  Nothing crazy or groundbreaking, but just enough for the fear to stop growing.

This week I pride myself on making some returns to normalcy:
*I had a meeting with a donor, over lunch.  A meeting!  Over lunch!  It was actually enjoyable.
*I spent all day at church with Mike while he preached, and was mentally/emotionally present.
*Yesterday's dentist appointment started off panicky, but I wrangled that beast and got my teeth sparkly.

It feels good.  I am proud.  Most importantly, my hope is growing in place of weedy fear.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Anxiety queen

Mike is preaching twice today!  He seems frustrated with himself for not being 130% prepared, but resigned to things falling where they may.  While he's pretty mellow, I'm a bundle of nerves.  I think I might throw up, and am wondering if I have to sit near the front of the church.

Oh, gawd...

I don't know how this man handles me.  I'm going to try and keep this on the DL so that Mike can focus on himself, rather than worrying about my state of mind AND his.

Dear World,
I'm sorry.  I hope that my food and laughter manages to make up for these freakouts that I experience so often.
Love, -Missi

Saturday, June 23, 2012

LateNight EarlyMorning

After nearly a year at his job, Mike finally has some Friday evenings off.  I had grown used to coming home at the end of the week and either catching up with a friend or having some introvert recovery time, so we were both a little unsure of how to plan a Friday night again.

In the end, we ate tortellini, Texas toast, and drank mojitos (confused/international meal), watched the Empire Strikes Back, and giggled while making out.  I love Friday!

We've also been talking about saving up for a house, and this week's meeting with a home buying consultant confirmed that we're in a good place to do so.  Mike's too distracted to think about it, but I'm finding myself obsessed.  There are only a handful of houses at any given time that are in our price range, within a reasonable commute, and not fugly.  Let me tell you - I have plans for them all.  Paint colors, flooring plans, giving family directions for Thanksgiving dinner.... what have I become?!

I'm a monster. 

I need a hobby.
Maybe I should open an Etsy store?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Celebration day!

Today marks the first day of summer.  Fortunately, I get to spend all of these beautiful daylight hours indoors!  Work-to-library-to-school.  Sigh.  Today also marks the 25% mark of my MBA program.  One down, three to go!  It's gone so quickly, and I am thankful.