Week 9

How should I begin?  I'm writing this post because I'm really supposed to be doing my homework, but I was told today that I don't have to keep my 3.8 GPA in the graduate program, so I'm letting this slide a little.

Last week Mike and I saw the second midwife at the clinic (of three), and she was AMAZING.  She was so comforting and enthusiastic, and put my mind to ease about accidentally eating feta the previous week.  She did an ultrasound to check on the fetal development and we saw a heartbeat!  It mostly looked like a flickering area in the midst of a grey area, but it was so wonderful.  I thought I would cry - MIKE thought I would cry - but I didn't, really.  Too many nerves about the wand-up-the-hoo-ha experience.  I left feeling much more at ease than I've felt in several weeks, and we celebrated afterward over breakfast (fried chicken and pancakes).

It was so good to have confirmation that there really was something - someone - alive in there.  It sounds silly to say, but every time we had told someone about the pregnancy prior to this, I'd get a feeling of dread and wouldn't really want to smile anymore.  Especially after all of the stuff with my brother disappearing around Christmas I'm so tired of being the center of attention around negative events.  It's exhausting.

Other stuff has gone down that has more than made up for the stress, though.  My parents are going through some major relationship shit, and I'm so scared and sad about that.  One close friend has been in the hospital with her son who is undergoing an operation for a cold that morphed into a (very rare) brain infection.  Another close friend who became pregnant at the same time as me miscarried over the weekend.

I feel so overwhelmed by all of these things, and that I need to take care of so many important people.  I know that I don't really "need" to take care of them, but that's what meaningful relationships are for!  Being present when shit goes down.  I feel so guilty about my friend's miscarriage.  It had been so special to have someone who was going through the same physical and hormonal changes as me, and to imagine our kids playing together, etc.  Now every time I think of what's growing inside of me I think of what is no longer inside of her.  I'm worried.  There are too many feelings to really put into words right now, other than that I'm worried.

Time for Thankful

It's been a tough week.  Mike and I are trying to sort out so much for the arrival of Poppy Seed, and we're both tired, sad, and stressed.  I get so tired during the day, but by the time I'm getting into bed the worries start to smother and I can only sleep four or five hours.  It's put both of us on edge, and I sobbed through the night on Thursday.

We tried to go out for a date on Friday, but between my sensitive stomach and our new budget it wasn't so awesome.  I was sad, Mike was sad.  We couldn't pull off the small talk at first, but as dinner went on we were able to talk about some of our worries and hold hands and offer support.

I'm tired of being sad and stressed and overwhelmed.  Fighting my anxiety with blogs showcasing other people's happy families isn't enough.  This weekend I'm focusing on being content.  There are flowers on the table, the floors are getting cleaned, and we'll be writing our blessings down as a reminder of what we have.  I'm finding a counselor, because Mike shouldn't be responsible for my stress, and friends just keep saying, "none of this will even matter in 8 months" (which is true, I'm told, but doesn't do a damn lick of good right now).  Things are getting better.